Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
