everyone is single if you try hard enough
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
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