And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
