we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
