yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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