If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
