Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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