I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
