Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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