He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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