Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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