Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Your cock deserves a montage
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".