Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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