plz talk dirty to me
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
