Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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