So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
