We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize