Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
