Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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