First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I need a beard to bite.
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