Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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