you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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