Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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