you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
