I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I yelled at your uterus for you.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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