Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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