I wish I could teleport
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
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Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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