She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
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Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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