so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
