just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
