I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
