I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize