i think my mom watched the whole time
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
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Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
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Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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