I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
