goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
40s are totally the cure
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
