Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
