now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
