so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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