i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
