xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
