I skipped work to stalk him.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
