my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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