did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
