mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
