I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
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So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
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She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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