I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
