I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
