i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
