who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
