I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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