I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
