i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I deserve this hangover.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize