it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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