i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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