I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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