What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
