Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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