you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
