Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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